Sunday Thoughts

It's been a long, long time since I posted anything here on the ol' blog.  I was just recently bragging to my friend Stacey about how evolved I am these days, not needing so desperately anymore to be understood by people.  Stacey says that's one of the many benefits to being over 40.  You stop giving so much of a shit what everything thinks.  It's true.

I used to blog all the time, almost every day. At least a few times a week. I first started in the winter when my twins were about a 18 months old.  I am a stay-at-home-mom (well, I substitute teach a little now that my littles are in school all day) and I was seeking connection to others.  One of our twins has Down syndrome, for those of you who might be joining this program already in progress.  I was looking for others out in the blogosphere who could relate and advise and encourage and such.  And it turns out blogging was a good way to meet a lot of people I wouldn't have otherwise.  I did find community through blogging, thank goodness. It got me through some bleak moments in those early days.

Now, my oldest is away at college, my "little" girl is a freshman in high school and will be driving soon and my babies are in the first grade.  These years have gone by so fast! And so slow!  All of time is that way, I think, though the years do seem to speed by more quickly the older I get.

The thing I miss most about blogging is the writing.  How is it that I can sort through things so much easier when I write them down than if I am just kicking them around in my noggin?

Early this morning on the news, a grieving military mother was discussing the experience of burying her 20-year-old son.  She said, "God needed another angel in heaven."  I've heard that before.  A few people told us that is why our two-year-old son Seth died eleven years ago when he escaped our back yard and wandered into a neighbor's swimming pool.  I know that people tell themselves and others all kinds of things to try and soothe the agony, to try and make sense out of the tragedies of life.  I do dislike this particular sentiment, though.  I feel like, well, he's God, right?  He could just make another angel.  He doesn't have to just pluck young people from Earth for that.

I wrote something to that effect on facebook this morning, but then lost my ballz and took it down a few minutes later.  I could hear the voices in my head that were saying, "But Seth was never really yours to begin with; he was only on loan from God, " or "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away," or "It is not ours to question the mysterious ways of the almighty Creator of the Universe."  That sort of thing.
So I took it down, but I haven't been able to get it out of my head since.  I feel like we all just rehearse these little sayings to one another about God's love and about his divine will and about his sovereignty and that we are not to question all the atrocities of life because it's all part of his perfect plan.  Well, I guess I'm just not inclined anymore to believe that is the case.  I don't know how things work, but the idea that involves an omnipotent God who micromanages our lives and plants all sorts of bombs within them to serve his own mysterious purposes and yet yearns for our love and adoration...it just doesn't make sense to me.  And this coming from a well fed American who lives indoors and has very little to complain about.

I am not saying that there is no God. I don't believe I'd ever be bold enough to make such a statement about something that is inherently unknowable. But I am saying that I don't think he works like that, taking adventurous toddlers or brave soldiers because he needs more angels. There's no way that's right, and I don't understand why anyone finds comfort in that idea.